‘I’m gay’: Laurier researcher analyzes real-life recordings of ‘coming out’ conversations

May 27, 2024

If your child approaches you with a grim look on their face and says in a low tone of voice, “Mom, I have something to tell you,” you might assume that they have cancer or committed a crime. You would likely prepare yourself for bad news. If the “something” turns out to be “I’m gay,” the ominous delivery would frame that disclosure in a negative light.

After analyzing hours of real-life recordings of “coming out” conversations, Wilfrid Laurier University researcher Jeffrey Aguinaldo confirms that this is the prototypical approach. 

“Almost all of these conversations feel like the person is sharing bad news,” says Aguinaldo. “At the macro level, we have laws that protect 2SLGBTQQIA+ people. But at the interactional level, we are still participating in this idea that coming out as anything other than heterosexual or cisgender is necessarily bad.”

Aguinaldo, an associate professor of Sociology, has been collecting and analysing video recordings of 2SLGBTQQIA+ people speaking with their loved ones, during which they would disclose their sexuality. Rather than asking study participants to report on their lives, Aguinaldo listens to what actually happens in live interactions. He uses a research method called conversational analysis to assess interactional patterns and nuances within these news announcements.

Aguinaldo says that all news announcements convey a sense of valence: whether the news is to be taken as good or bad. Valence is not inherent to the news item itself but rather to how the announcement is delivered. He offers pregnancy announcements as an example.

“We convey valence by how we speak and organize our words,” says Aguinaldo. “If someone considers their pregnancy to be good news, they announce it using upward intonation and, often, what's called a 'smiley’ voice. If the pregnancy is considered bad news, we use lower intonation and pauses. Our announcement might begin with, ‘Well…’ or some other delay that conveys a reluctance to share.”

When it comes to coming out, the response is as important as the announcement itself. Aguinaldo discovered that the way loved ones responded often implied agreement with the negative valence, despite seeming to be well-intentioned.

“Parents, friends and family members overwhelmingly respond to coming outs with, ‘I love you no matter what,’” says Aguinaldo. “Even though they are trying to be sympathetic, they are inherently agreeing that it is, in fact, bad news. If a child said, ‘Mom, I have fallen in love with Sheila and she is Muslim,’ imagine if the response was, ‘Honey, I love you no matter what.’ That would be wholly offensive. So even if a gay person hears that as a good response, it reinforces heteronormative values.”

Beyond specific declarations, 2SLGBTQQIA+ people come out in all sorts of subtle ways on a daily basis. An allusion to an ex-boyfriend could be revealing to someone’s co-worker. When listening to recordings of day-to-day conversations, Aguinaldo has observed a lot of concealment: side-stepping questions about plus-ones at weddings or vague references to recent dates in order to avoid revealing sexual or gender identities. He hopes his eventual research findings will influence how people interact with one another in family and even workplace environments, rendering the need to disclose or conceal unnecessary.

“Why is the onus on 2SLGBTQQIA+ people to correct the presumption of heterosexuality?” asks Aguinaldo. “As parents, how are we perpetuating the default assumption that this young boy will grow up to marry a woman, or that they are even a boy to begin with? We need to understand the assumptions that pervade everyday conversation and how they create a normative context where people do not fit in. Whatever our marginality, we shouldn’t be made to conceal and reveal ourselves in ways that make us reproduce stigma.”